…it was the highlight of my life. I was the happiest, freest, and most satiated ever in my little 9 year-old life. I remember being in Japan playing in my grandmother’s drive way high from excitement. I couldn’t contain myself – I was ecstatic and told god/the heavens/the universe to just take me now. I wanted to die happy. I remember bits and pieces of my speech to god: “Hey you! I’m so happy! I can just die right now and I feel I’ve lived (a fulfilled) life… please just take me now and I’ll be able to play forever in the heavens as a 9 year-old!” or something to that extent.
At the time I thought when we died it would forever be in that image of ourselves so nothing could beat a happy 9 year-old in heaven. I’d play hide and go seek with the angels, do some serious gymnastics of jumps and flips on mountains of clouds, just fly and soar the heavens and earth. Also wanted to go back in time and re-watch my family lineage… stories of my Japanese grandmother during the war escaping in the nick of time from the Russian soldiers as she prayed my father, an infant at the time, wouldn’t cry as she tied him around her body and crept through the attic while they searched below the floor boards. My American grandmother told me stories of her 4 brothers going off to fight the same war on the opposite side… go figure their rebellious offspring would unite in marriage. Ha.
But something told me I only knew the things I knew. This in retrospect told me I knew there were things I didn’t know. The infamous “unknown”. I knew I would have to “grow up” and by observation believed that definition was to lose my essence. I saw that these grownups around me had lost their youthful playfulness. Why in the world would they rather watch the news than cartoons? Why in the world would they be too tired to play with me? I didn’t understand nor did I care to – my conclusion was grownups are boring and they suck. I would never be a gown up like that. I would always play with kids! A serious peter pan complex.
But then again, I was so happy I kind of wanted to stick around until double digits of 10. Things didn’t change much when I was 10 so I’ll wait until I’m a teenager to 13. Not that exciting, alright lets go to 14. Nothing, so 15. Nope, need to get to sweet 16. I needed my driver’s license, 17. I need to be legal so 18. I’d like to buy alcohol, 21. I’m still being treated as a kid, 24. I haven’t even made it a quarter of a century so 25. Damn, I’m 26?
Well, I’m doing really great. I love where I am. I can only tell the difference of growing up by reflecting back. Only now do I truly realize and appreciate there are things I don’t know that I don’t know… that’s the difference of my awareness from 9 to 26. I’m sure when I’m 30+ and look back I’d call myself young… a curios creature. But will know I tried my best at every stage. Besides, what’s with the adult grown up superiority complex? We never know what to expect until we get there. My 65 year old father lived it up in Vegas for a weekend. My 55 year old mother won’t stop using every minute of every day to the fullest and my 89 year old grandmother is more popular than I running around to her weekly dances, mahjong games, pool side hangouts and never home when I call her. I play phone tag with my grandma, how lucky am I?? She’s amazing. They’re all amazing.
But I will always remember that summer I was 9 and never forget to let my essence grow with me… it’s mine. I own it. I will always have a choice in the matter to let my essence grow with me, to love and nurture it so it won’t ever die. Keep on living loving life!
RY
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