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| So colorful. So beautiful... I couldn't resist! |
...I’m an emotional creature.
With my predominantly Buddhist and somewhat Jewish upbringing in Japan where we don’t express or confront “feelings” I learned to bottle things up at an early age. Funny thing is I’m the complete opposite of an introvert. My lovely mother coined me as “anal explosive” (vs. anal retentive). I hate secrets. My own or others. The “tabooness” is so restricting… basically, I can’t keep shit to myself (pun intended). Ha.
All things in society are socially constructed; gender stereotypes being one of them. I never fully realized what an emotional creature I was until I logically reflected on it. Ironic. For the record, I don’t want to be emotional (at least not all the time, not that I am). I just don’t know what to do with them sometimes. It just comes pouring out of my pores like the smell of alcohol during a hangover. It seeps through my skin… how can I control that? …don’t drink? This eager earning that feels like I swallowed a grapefruit whole and is now just stuck in my esophagus. Dude, what do I do? Rhetorical questions really…
Thoughts and feelings come tumbling through like an avalanche. I eat to satiate some longing deep inside to try and feel full because I’m just so hungry. Have I not been feeding my soul? What am I starved of? Have I seriously been that busy with others to neglect myself this much? Hunger and thirst. I thought he was my water… is this what dehydration feels like? Is it my biological nature of being a female programmed to reproduce and continue mankind that I find myself emotionally attached to life? …and on and on the soul searching questions galore infuse my consciousness.
My human part loses balance when it forgets to connect with spirit. It seeks without when I have all the answers within. All of this is of course the doing of my mind/ego where my mind gets stuck in my head when it should be focused in my gut – the center of the body. I do believe “some things are better left unsaid” as well as understand manners and how I can be queen of TMI in need to just breathe easy and fall back. It’s like I’m trying to surf when there are no waves. Worse, I’m laying on a surf board in the sand paddling through air.
I recently went to a Tony Robbins UPW seminar (HIGHLY recommended!) that taught and reassured me a lot. For instance, 99.99% of the shit we know is bullshit. It’s all just a story. Like “Hi my name is Ria Yoshida, I was born in Tokyo and have always wished I could fly” – True story. But it’s still a story... my story. Seems harmless? Well what about the deeper inner story that says “I’m not good enough. Why bother trying when I know I’m going to fail? I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, too young, too dumb, too lazy to ever be loved the way I need to be loved”. It’s a common story lingering deep inside many of us too ashamed to admit to ourselves. It takes recognition and pinpointing our story to than do anything about it. I’m not doing the seminar justice here. Best bet is to let someone more experienced in this field (i.e. Tony Robbins) lead. He is the real deal. He’s been through it, seen it, smelled it, lived it and continuously does so. Good shit.
Reactions. This is the emotional response I wish I could better understand. Why do I react the way I do? Is it strictly learned? Am I ruled by my subconscious? Hereditary? All of the above. A creature of habit. So instead of doing what I have come to learn to do as a coping mechanism: calling another body to feel warmth and make me forget myself. Literally. To experience the outer body excitement of the biological chemical reaction in the presence of another human being – I digress... Just breathe easy. Fall back. Meditate.
RY
“I am the voice. I will lead, not follow. I will believe, not doubt. I will create, not destroy. Defy the odds. I know what’s best for me. I get shit done. I am a success!”
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